Back to December
by caders
Summary: Random One shot that wouldn't leave me alone as I listened to Back to December by Taylor Swift. Um. Enjoy?


A/N: Pretty sure I still don't own anything here. Sure wish I did though.

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Alex fidgeted nervously with her phone, lighting the screen up and turning it off again. For the tenth time in a minute she checked the time, frustrated when she saw that it still read 10:55. She'd been an hour early and the host of the restaurant was starting to shoot her irritated looks since she hadn't ordered yet. Barely resisting the urge to roll her eyes she flagged down a passing waiter and told him her order. She checked the time again. 10:56. This time she did roll her eyes, decidedly putting her phone back in her purse. She let her eyes roam around the restaurant for a moment before pulling her phone back out sheepishly. 10:57.

She let out an irritated huff then froze when she glanced up, finally spotting the one she had been nervously waiting for. Their eyes connected before the brunette made her way towards Alex. Alex tried not to notice how good she looked; the more defined muscles (not that she'd been anything but muscular, she just used to be more on the lean side), the amazingly sexy spiky hair (were those new highlights?), the swagger to her walk that drew the eye of a few of the patrons in the diner (Alex barely contained the glare she wanted to shoot at them), and of course her lovely brown eyes, focused on her but still sweeping the diner for possible threats (apparently some habits never die). Within a handful of steps they were face to face and Alex unconsciously straightened her skirt in an attempt to keep her hands to herself.

"Alex." Was the slightly curt greeting she received. She managed to catch herself before she flinched at the tone and the use of her name rather than any of the nicknames she used to be called. Forcing the reaction down she instead smiled happily, hoping her sincerity flowed through her eyes and voice.

"Liv, it's so good to see you. I hope you don't mind but I ordered your usual." Alex smiled wider as they slid back into the booth. She got a noncommittal grunt in return as Olivia's eyes wandered, never settling on her for more than a few moments at a time. Alex could feel her heart slowly dropping into her stomach.

"I'm so glad you made time to see me. It's been way too long." Olivia's eyes snapped to her then and she did flinch as she saw the accusation in the beautiful brown eyes. "Tell me how's life? Tell me about the squad." She continued quickly, cutting off Olivia's retort.

"Life's been good. It's been pretty busy lately, lots of the usual. Rapists to chase, victims that need help, cases to win. The weather has been pretty crazy though lately. It's nice; I know it's only spring but I already feel like it's summer you know?" Olivia responded, her eyes finally settling on a spot just over Alex's left shoulder. Alex nearly blanched; small talk. She'd been demoted to small talk about the weather no less. She carried on gamely.

"And the squad? How's Elliot doing?" Alex could feel her heart drop even further as Olivia's jaw clenched and tears rushed to her eyes though they didn't fall. She'd only ever seen Olivia cry once and she shoved the memory out of her mind.

"He retired. Last month. We don't get to talk very often." Alex felt the need to slap herself. How had she not known? Surely there should have been SOMETHING through the grapevine! She reached out and put her hand over Olivia's in a consoling manner.

"I'm so sorry Liv. Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia glared at her hand for a moment before gently sliding her own back into her lap.

"No, thanks. It's not a big deal." Olivia said. The tears that had been in her eyes just moments before were completely gone and her face was an impenetrable mask; one used to draw confessions from the worst of mankind and to convince juries that she was solid in her reasoning and they should side with her. Forget dropping; Alex's heart ripped to shreds at seeing Olivia's guard up. But then again it was her own fault. Unwillingly, she remembered why Olivia was so guarded with her.

"_Hey babe, how's your day been so far?" Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex from behind, placing a loving kiss to her cheek at the same time. Alex smiled and leaned back into her, loving that Olivia was always so affectionate and genuinely interested in the minute details of her day. _

"_Won the Brown trial earlier. I thought I'd stop in and give the squad the good news in person." She responded, earning several whoops of joy from the entire squad and a much less chaste kiss on the lips from Olivia. The whoops of joy turned into cat calls the longer the kiss went on before Alex finally had to pull back to breathe. Seeing Olivia smiling at her like that, like she was truly something special and amazing, was one of the reasons she tried so hard to win her cases. _

"_We are going to need to celebrate! And I already have plans for us too." Olivia smiled, causing more cat calls from the guys. Without missing a beat she flipped them off as she pulled Alex into another, shorter, kiss. Pulling back with a grin she spun Alex towards the doors and gave her a gentle nudge. _

"_Go home and get ready; I already picked out your outfit for tonight." The squad burst into boisterous laughter at Alex's look of terror. The last time she let Olivia pick out her outfit was for their first date, nearly two years prior. She'd initially been confused when she found Olivia had picked out a pair of her rattiest jeans (she'd been meaning to throw them away) and a t-shirt that had seen better days. She was less confused when Olivia drove them into a paintball range where they met the rest of the squad, Elliot's wife and kids, and whoever Munch and Finn were dating at the time. Long story short, she had been covered in paint by the end of the date and no matter what Olivia said, it took her days to wash all of the red paint out of her hair. Olivia rolled her eyes mockingly and shooed Alex out._

_Naturally, Alex was very pleasantly surprised to find a gorgeous red cocktail dress (one that practically demanded she be bent over the table) with equally gorgeous (and expensive) matching red heels. Two hours later found her all dolled up and putting her cell phone and lip gloss into the small clutch she'd found in her closet as a knock came from her door. She smiled broadly when she opened it and there was Olivia, wearing a black suit much like the one she wore in court, with a red vest, black shirt, and red bow tie the same color as her dress._

"_You look dashing detective." Alex purred as she straightened out Olivia's bow tie. Olivia smiled at her adoringly, her eyes radiating love and warmth. She pulled a beautiful bouquet of roses from behind her back, handing them over shyly. Alex took them with a kiss, ushering her into the living room so she could find a suitable vase for the flowers. _

_That night Olivia took her to an amazing five star restaurant where they indulged in a bottle of wine, split a chocolate lave cake (Alex's favorite), and danced when the orchestra in the corner of the room struck up some music. A few hours later they were stumbling through Alex's door, frenzied kisses and roaming hands keeping them attached at all times. Olivia gasped, pulling back just slightly._

"_Wait, wait! Lexi, baby wait a second." She pants as Alex tried to pull her back into another searing kiss. Realizing she wasn't going to succeed she stopped trying and pouted at her lover for the unexpected halt to their amorous activities. The pout dissolved as Alex saw the nervousness Olivia was trying so hard to hide._

"_Liv?" she questioned after several moments of silence. Olivia met her eye then took a shaky breath, running her hand through her already messy locks._

"_I had this big speech planned out you know. I was going to do it at the restaurant but I figured you wouldn't like it to be so public so I just wanted to come back here and do it. It was supposed to be perfect you know? That dress, the dinner by candlelight, the dancing, all of it. And then I was gonna sweep you off your feet. But then you just looked so beautiful in the candle lights and you laughed and everything I'd had planned just went right out of my mind. Right now the only thing I can remember from the speech is that I love you. I love you, Lexi, and I want to love you til my last breath. I want to hold you always, get a house together, the whole nine yards with the picket fence and the dog and the 2.5 kids. So I guess what I'm saying is; will you marry me?" _

_Alex stared at Olivia in shock, a beautiful engagement ring sitting in its black velvet box, sparkling at her merrily. She looked at the ring and back to Olivia's face in silence, tears running down her cheeks as she tried to form words. Olivia's gaze, which started so hopeful and full of love, was beginning to cloud over with tears and Alex could see the smallest of tremors pass through Olivia's hands. Alex reached towards the ring, Olivia's eyes flaring with hope again, and it crushed Alex's soul when the tears finally fell from Olivia's eyes as she snapped the little box close. _

"_Olivia….I-I'm just not ready for that….I DO love you though. You know that right?" Alex asked desperately. She could feel the pain resonating off of Olivia like wave after wave dragging her down into the depths of despair. Olivia chuckled humorlessly as she wiped at her tears though they didn't stop._

"_Yeah. Yeah, I know you do Alex. It's fine. I'm sorry for putting you in this position; I really should've considered your feelings more…" Olivia's voice cracked and so did Alex's heart. Alex. She'd called her Alex. She hadn't called her Alex once in the two years they'd been dating, even when they were fighting. Olivia put the ring back into her pocket, still wiping at her eyes, and backing towards the door. "I think I should get going. Long day at work tomorrow you know?" _

_Alex didn't try to stop her, knowing the other woman was going to need a lot of space so she just nodded sadly, the door closing gently moments later. She was sitting in her office the next day, staring blankly at a case file she was supposed to be reviewing when Liz suddenly appeared in her door. _

"_Cabot? What're you doing here?" she sounded truly surprised to see the young blond. _

"_It's Friday. I do work on Friday's still Liz." She responded lifelessly. Liz rolled her eyes as she entered the rest of the way, closing the door behind her._

"_I'm aware of that smart ass. But Olivia had us remove your cases from the roster for…recovery time. So! Let's see it! That woman has good taste so I just KNOW the ring has to be gorgeous." Liz smiled at her. Alex stared up at her, eyes welling with tears, and Liz frowned._

"_Oh god, please don't tell me I spoiled the surprise? I could've sworn she said she was going to do it last night!" Liz panicked slightly as Alex burst into tears. _

"_Alex?"_

"_I said no, Liz. She asked; and I said no!" Alex sobbed as Liz wrapped her in a hug._

"Why?"

"_I'm just not ready for something like that! I mean, we've barely been dating for a few years now! It's too soon!" Alex started getting angry, prompting Liz to let her go. She waited patiently as the younger woman started pacing. "I mean, really Liz! I have political aspirations. I have goals, a plan to adhere to and marriage wasn't on the list."_

"_Sometimes love sneaks up on you. And I don't think Olivia would have asked you to give up on your plan and goals to become a housewife Alexandra. That woman loves you dearly and she knows you love your job; she wouldn't have asked that of you." Alex flinched at the use of her full name, tears rushing to her eyes again as she realized that Liz was right._

"_What should I do?"_

"I suggest you fight for her. She would do the same for you." Alex nodded, striding over to her phone so she could call the precinct. Liz took that as her cue to leave, silently hoping that Alex wasn't already too late. She tried Olivia's desk first and it rang several times before it was answered by a gruff, but familiar, male voice.

"_Detective Benson's desk."_

"_Elliot?"_

"_Alex? Why are you calling the precinct? Why are you even awake?" he joked. Alex chose to ignore the last question._

"_Where's Olivia?" She could practically feel his confusion down the phone line._

"_Uh, well she took a few days off, you know like a pre-honeymoon. She's not with you?"he asked, getting worried. Alex felt her stomach twisting and turning. _

"_I haven't seen her since last night….she left after I said no." she whispered. The dead silence on the other end of the line was far from comforting. The minutes dragged on and if it weren't for the lack of a dial tone she would've thought he'd hung up on her. Finally, a barely contained growl made her flinch._

"_Ok, well if there's nothing else, Counselor, I need to check on Olivia. Make sure she didn't use her service pistol for anything stupid." Before the phone was slammed down making her flinch. Her eyes filled with tears and her heart rate picked up, triggering her fight or flight response. She didn't put much thought into it; she decided to run. And run she did. Within the hour she had booked a flight to France, put in her emergency notice at work, and was on her way to her apartment to meet the moving company that was going to be setting up her house for her extended absence; getting rid of food, covering up the furniture etc. She let them in as she went on to pack her bags. It took less time than she thought it would and soon she was standing in the door, waiting for the last of the employees to leave so she could lock up. She looked around as the woman came around the corner carrying the roses Olivia had given her the night before, clearly intending to toss them in the last trash receptacle. _

"_No! Not those!" Alex shouted, nearly causing the poor woman to drop the vase. "Just-just put them on the table and leave them." She could see the woman's confused look but just waved her towards the coffee table. As the woman took the last receptacle and wished her a good day she just looked over her apartment and the roses. With a sigh and a heavy heart she left, locking the door behind her. She had no way of knowing that Olivia let herself in a few days later with the emergency key, planning on starting over to find the roses there, dying. _

She was drawn out of the memory by Olivia calling her name. She smiled apologetically, taking a sip of her coffee and silently thanking the waitress for her temporary relief as the woman placed their orders in front of them. She could feel Olivia staring at her as she meticulously cut her pancakes into bite size pieces.

"You look tired." Olivia finally said. Alex's head snapped up, catching a brief glimpse of concern in Olivia's eyes before it was replaced with her impenetrable mask again.

"Yeah, I haven't been sleeping much these days. It's been kinda busy…." She trailed off. Olivia looked away, her jaw clenching again.

"I'm sure your wedding preparations take up much of your time. You shouldn't neglect your health though." Olivia's voice is strained and Alex mentally curses herself for her carelessness.

"Oh. Um…no, we called off the wedding….I've just had a lot on my mind lately." Olivia's eyes widen and this time Alex is the one who averts her gaze. She can't very well tell Olivia that she called off her wedding after being unable to get the brunette out of her mind. She thought of the past year and the first holidays they didn't celebrate together. Her mother was disappointed at the lack of Olivia at the family gathering but she was even more disappointed when Alex came back from her Sabbatical and accepted a wedding proposal to a well to do financer. Of course she couldn't say all of that to Olivia, who she thought of calling when Olivia's birthday passed a few months ago or that she cried that entire day. Especially not when Olivia was looking at her with such sympathy.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know. Are you alright?" Alex laughed hollowly, tears springing to her eyes as she thought of the irony. She ruthlessly ripped this woman's heart out and yet she was trying to console her over the end of an engagement that she didn't even really want. But of course, being the amazing, caring woman that she was, Olivia just saw the tears and assumed they were about the end of the engagement and immediately reached out to awkwardly pat her hand in comfort, unwittingly making Alex's tears worse. She remembered Olivia always touching her and it was so natural; now she was relegated to an awkward pat like a child throwing a tantrum. Unbidden, the memory of just when she realized she was in love with Olivia came to her mind.

"_What do you mean you don't trust me to drive?! I'm an officer of the law and I have yet to break any traffic laws when not in pursuit of someone, lead foot!" Olivia tried to shout indignantly at Alex but the wide grin and twinkle in her eye gave her away. _

"_Yes yes, but those are police cruisers Liv. They are certainly NOT my baby and only I get to drive my baby." Alex giggled as Olivia's jaw dropped comically while she slid into the driver's seat. Olivia joined her a few moments later, an adorable pout on her lips. Alex grinned and leaned over, placing a lingering kiss on her cheek. Though she tried Olivia couldn't contain the happy grin. With that they were off. An hour into their road trip they were blasting music and making up ridiculous lyrics and laughing. Alex glanced at her passenger at a red light, Liv still laughing from a joke Alex had cracked and Alex knew then. And apparently it stole all of her finesse because she just blurted it out._

"_I love you." Her eyes widened as Olivia stopped laughing and just looked at her in surprise. The smile that lit up her face was worth that small moment of panic, especially when Olivia leaned over the console and kissed her._

"_I love you too." She whispered against her lips. The moment was broken when the car behind them hit their horn and they snapped apart, seeing the green light ahead of them._

This was apparently another of those moments when her finesse left her.

"I'm sorry." It slipped out as a sob and Olivia, of course, mistook her words.

"Oh, Alex, it's ok. You don't have to be sorry for crying. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't easy for you." She tried to console, thinking Alex was apologizing for crying. Alex shook her head vehemently, confusing Olivia.

"No. I'm sorry for everything I did to you Liv. I just- I was scared and stupid and I didn't mean to do that to you. I love you and I've missed you so much." She felt pathetic as she cried in their little booth, Olivia drawing her hand back. "I've missed you so much this whole year. I miss your touch and your smile and how you used to hold me when I'd cry. I miss your stupid addiction to chewing gum and spending Saturday mornings doing the crossword puzzle in the Times. And I swear if you gave me another chance to love you I'd do it right this time. I'd go back and do things right if I could but I can't and I'd understand if you don't want to give me that chance but God, I just, I love you Liv. I always will." She cried, not caring about her pride or the makeup running down her cheeks or the waitress looking their way with concern. She didn't care that people were staring at them or that she was probably making a scene. She just wanted this chance to apologize to the amazing woman across from her. Olivia wasn't looking at her and she was trembling.

"I-I don't think that…" Olivia started and Alex felt her heart drop as more tears flooded her eyes. She smiled sadly and nodded, trying not to sniffle. "It's ok, Liv. I understand, really, I do." Her voice cracked and she pulled out her wallet, laying enough on the table to cover both of their meals and a substantial tip for the waitress who was watching like a hawk to make sure Alex was ok.

"Thank you, for agreeing to see me today. I'm sure I'll see you around sometime." She smiled sadly before walking out of the restaurant, refusing to look back. She was so focused on getting back to her apartment that she didn't realize someone was following her. It wasn't until nearly two blocks later that someone grabbed her wrist, jerking her out of her thoughts. She froze for an instant which was enough time for her to be whirled around, putting her face to face with Olivia. To say she was surprised was an understatement as Olivia pulled her into a bone crushing hug.

"I let you walk out on me once and I don't ever want to have to suffer through that again Alex. We can't pick things up like the past year hasn't happened but…but if you want, maybe we can have dinner sometime?" Alex's breath hitched and she nodded emphatically.

"I-yes, I'd love that. Maybe we can work out the logistics over coffee tomorrow?" Alex asked, unsure. It wasn't one of her megawatt smiles but Olivia did smile at her softly, nodding slowly.

"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good." Alex beamed. Maybe things were going to be alright after all.

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Soooo, yeah. Just a random one shot. Please R&amp;R! Loves and Kisses y'all!

Caders kinda ghost


End file.
